if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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