well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize