I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
