she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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