don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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