hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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