I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
