I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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