He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
