I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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