so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
