He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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