Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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