I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
