Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
