I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
