How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
