So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
