When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
