Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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