we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
being pregnant is like rehab
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
