My balls are so social today.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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