Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
