Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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