i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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