Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
