I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
