did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
