Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I am one with the molecules
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
