I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
