chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
It was confusing and full of hummus
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
