it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Randomize
