well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
this is an emotional support booty call
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
