Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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