I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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