if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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