smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
