we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just googled if crying burns calories
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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