Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize