I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
