dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
