I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize