The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
