I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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