Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
