i permit you to call me
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
