just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
