so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
