i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize