I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
