Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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