Just cropdusted the office
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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