mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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