my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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