respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
