and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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