A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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