I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
