I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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