What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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