New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
