I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
