He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
