Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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