Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
