I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
