She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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