he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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